Tell me you didn’t seriously click that headline because you believed it. You’re probably like me, because if I saw that headline, I’d be saying “Dear God YES! FINALLY!” but unfortunately no, it’s not getting better. I think it’s getting worse. Seriously. I’m considering only using video chat, cars or trains from now on, time commitment be damned! I’ve honestly had thoughts during flights that if God forbid we crashed and everyone died, at least that damn crying child would shut the hell up!
But since the airline industry seems to have little interest in actually improving the experience of air travel, here are my list of suggestions to make it even worse. At this point it can only get worse if they actually try make it worse. I’m here to do my part and help them out with a few suggestions.
Ticketing and Pre-Boarding:
Airline should run discounted ticket specials with incentives to ensure the maximum number of infants occupy each flight.
You may check-in online within 6 hours of your flight but only via Internet Explorer on a Windows Mobile Phone via a proxy server in S. Korea. The web address to check in can be found on individual airlines sites but you have to find it, no links…that’s the fun part! Roll the dice because 1/3 of connections cause an internal site error that may or may not cancel your reservation. Seat selection will only be allowed for the first 3 passengers to check-in, middle seats only.
People should arrive at the airport 24 hours early for domestic flights, 48 hours for International. But those are suggestions, you may want to get there earlier, just in case.
There will be 1 security line, with 1 single TSA agent for ALL flights. TSA will now require all passengers remove shoes, belts, hats, sunglasses, rings, watches, bracelets, necklaces, and make-up. Each article of jewelry, clothing or electronics must be put in a separate bin. Passengers will be required to recite the entire Bill of Rights, in English, verbatim. Failure to do so will result in ejection to the back of the line.
Bags will be $50 for the first bag and $100 for every bag after that, payable via money order or swiss bank wire. Airlines may choose to accept coins provided they are in resealable plastic bags. Carry on will now be $25 per bag and must be able to fit in your pocket. Cargo pants or shorts are no longer allowed.
Flight boarding will not be according to zones or class, instead it is like running of the bulls, they line everyone up and yell “GO!” The crowd will rush at top speed to fight for the 3 overhead luggage spaces. One at the front, one at the back and one hidden space. Oh yeah, I should’ve mentioned that, no more overhead space.
Flights are not permitted to leave less than one hour late.
On The Plane:
Don’t worry the overhead luggage spaces are not just thoughtlessly removed, that would be silly. They have been replaced with JBL speakers that pipe in the soft soothing sound of babies screaming and crying. They play throughout the duration of the flight. This will also help to drown out the sound of the child behind me screaming and crying throughout the duration of the flight.
Children will be required to drink caffeinated soda at regular intervals through out the flight to keep them awake and should also be encouraged the stretch their legs by kicking the seat in front of them.
Current airline seats will be changed to wooden desk chairs from 1950’s boarding schools that have been bolted to the floor. This will save the airlines money as those floating seat cushions must be expensive.
In order to increase flight capacity so there are no more “overbooked flights,” aisles will no longer be limited to 6 seats across. Instead because wooden desk chairs are thinner we can probably get 8 in a row. Don’t worry about the flight attendants getting through with their carts because beverage service will be discontinued. Peanuts will drop down from above seats, replacing the oxygen masks and if you’re thirsty there is a button where the flight attendant call button used to be that squirts room temperature water; water pressure may vary by plane model.
The valve that currently blows cool air should be replaced with hot, coffee and cigarette breath
Flight Attendants, inspired by folk hero Slaton are now encouraged to speak freely to passengers. Don’t piss them off. They also have buttons on their uniforms that say “No!”
In an effort to save money and improve the quality of airline food, along with dealing with everyone’s pesky “allergies” and “dietary restrictions,” the choice for food on long flights will be boiled cabbage. Take it or leave it!
Landing and Baggage:
Due to the popularity of the Pilot that safely landed on the Hudson, all landings must now be water landings. This will also give the recovered planes a nice briney smell.
The Baggage Claim area will be replaced with a giant cement lot with a bullseye on it. Bags will be shot out of a device similar to T-Shirt guns that you see at Basketball games.
Customer Service:
Should you have any problems with your flight US Airways would like to ensure you that we are here to serve you. We conveniently offer LIVE customer phone service from our two representatives, “George” and “Linda” by phone from 1:00pm – 1:30pm GMT. Outside of those hours please call our automated voice system available 24 hours/day. You must call from a rotary phone on a VOIP line.
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