Embarrassment and shame are two closely related, negative emotions that human beings experience. You’ve probably experienced one or the other, or both.
I’m not someone who gets embarrassed very easily.
I’ve always been very good at detaching myself from what people think of me.
I generally find it healthier to assess my self-worth and judge my actions through the lens of my own personal values and goals than based on the opinions of others. And I tend to be very lenient with myself.
Some people get embarrassed by public speaking, or dancing, or being disagreed with, or being chastised publicly. The number of reasons to be embarrassed is virtually impossible to calculate as it’s personal to each individual.
What made you feel badly?
Recently, I was at an event where I said some stupid things. I wasn’t really concerned about what other people thought, but in my own head I saw myself acting in a way that made me disappointed with myself.
- No one said anything to me.
- No one called me out.
- No one chastised me.
What occurred to me since then, is that what I was feeling wasn’t embarrassment, but shame. I’ll explain the difference as I see it:
I think embarrassment is the result of allowing the opinions of others to make you feel bad and question yourself because of something you did, said or acted upon.
I think shame is the result of feeling bad and questioning yourself because of self-assessment about something you did, said or acted upon.
I personally don’t see much value in embarrassment. I can’t learn much from having other people make me feel bad, and I have a hard time with the idea of letting someone have that much power in my world.
Shame on the other hand is a hard pill to swallow but one that can sometimes make a huge impact. To be ashamed, to feel remorse, to internalize a feeling that you created for yourself, is a much more profound teacher.
Both shame and embarrassment feel very similar, but embarrassment rarely provides value, only a pathway to more self-doubt, and a desire to insulate from further embarrassment. Shame, which can be equally awful, can sometimes provide us with a gift.
We’re all going to feel bad about something from time-to-time, but I’d personally rather not give that power over to anyone else.