I read an article about Kobe Bryant not long ago, where in an interview, he refers to his inability to be a great friend.
You can read it here.
In his explanation, he goes into detail about himself as an obsessive. Someone so consumed with what he DOES, that he neglects friendships, he chooses not to aimlessly hang out, he misses birthdays. The work is what he loves, and his desire for greatness exceeds his desire for company.
So he chooses work over connection, his mind is so tuned to his goals that he neglects anything that doesn’t fit.
He admits that this is a weakness.
The ideas have rattled around in my head for a few weeks now.
Aside from the obvious: my superhuman basketball ability, I think I may share something else with Kobe Bryant…I think I may not be working hard enough to build great friendships.
There was a time where I think I was a great friend.
There was a time where I would aimlessly hang out, watch sports, play video games and chat about nothing particularly important, all for the sake of connection and friendship.
A great friend will sometimes just spend time with you, without needing a reason or exciting activity.
There was a time where I knew more about what was going on in the lives of the people in my life…and this is pre-Facebook! I knew their birthdays, their anniversaries, and when something extraordinary happened to them.
A great friend pays attention to more than themselves.
I made more plans…and I rarely cancelled those plans.
A great friend is reliable.
I even used to talk on the phone with people.
A great friend is never far away.
So what happened?
Now I work. All the time. And much like Kobe, I love the work. And much like Kobe, I’m obsessive about greatness. I have no greater fear in life than mediocrity.
I only make plans every now and again. I’ll often choose to complete a side project or spend some time by myself reading instead of reaching out to a friend for brunch or coffee.
Sometimes I’ll skip a party or social event just to spend time quietly reflecting on the events of the past few days, or planning the upcoming week.
I miss people’s birthdays, even though I get notifications.
I have no idea when milestones happen, even though they come through my newsfeed, and even when I do I’m often nothing more than a “like.”
Only on rare occasion can I sit and watch sports, or play a video game without worrying about how that time is wasted in the pursuit of my lofty and ambitious goals.
As Tony Stark said in the first Iron Man:
“There is nothing except this. There’s no art opening, no charity, nothing to sign. There’s the next mission, and nothing else”
I’m not flying around the globe solving problems in an armored suit made of a titanium alloy, but I take my work just as seriously. I have no time for video games, I have no time to waste, I have a mission.
So what’s next…?
What if friendships are part of it?
I came back to the article about Kobe and re-read it.
At first, I saw myself in him. I saw an obsessive, someone driven to win, someone consumed with a desire to be the absolute best. I admired his tenacity. I can’t argue with his results.
However, when I looked closer, I saw someone sad, and lonely. He comes across as broken and damaged from a life that while successful on the outside, lacked depth and lacked substance from the inside…what happens when his basketball career ends? Will he change his tune and start building great friendships? Maybe, or perhaps he has built his own prison.
The curse of the driven, the workaholics, the obsessives, is that they tune out other things that are important.
They seem successful, until your definition of success includes happiness. We are social creatures, and without connection, we begin to wither. Your legacy will always be more than your professional accomplishments, it will also include how people tell the story of you.
Do I get obsessive? Sure. But I haven’t become a hermit, or a bad friend. In most cases, I think I’m a very good friend, and most that know me would agree I’m very social. And just because I haven’t watched sports aimlessly recently, doesn’t mean I can’t turn that back on.
Kobe’s comments to me were a wakeup call more than anything.
Don’t get so wrapped up in your work, your future, and your legacy, that you neglect to be there for all of the people walking right beside you, cheering you on, and being there when you need them.
Today’s Assignment: Reach out to 3 people you haven’t spoken to in at least 3 weeks.